A Proclamation to dig a hole
On this
day of Our Lord, the Eighth of June, Tew Thowsand and Tew, I,
The Lord Sheriff of the Rotten Burgh of South Tineside, do
declare my intention to dig a hole.
This hole shall
be for the sole use of those peasants who have monies to pay the
toll of no less than one pound and forty pence, to access those
environs North of the Tine. I, the Sheriff, in the body of
my serfs, to be known as The Concessionaire, shall hold the
right to charge whatever be deemed suitable for a period of no
less than thirty years.
Those vagabonds
too poor to pay the toll, or having no motor carriage which will
be required for use of the hole, will have to find other means
to cross the Tine. Such means could be the commoners'
ferry at Sheels, or the Metro wagon way, when they are working.
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In order to dig this
hole, many peasants of Jarrow will be expelled from their
hovels, with no recompense for their inconvenience, unless, of
course, those peasants have ownership of said hovel - as
bargained by the right honourable squire, the lad Stephen of
Heyburn.
Those hapless or
feckless enough to remain in the vicinity of the hole, to be
known as The Tunnel, will endure a lifetime of din, fumes and
discomfit. They will be visited by those ailments of
coughs, spasms and agitations. They will be fortunate that
their lives will be shorter, so will not suffer long.
This
Proclamation has the full consent of the Privy Council of the
good men of the Burgh of South Tineside.
And by the way,
Christmas is cancelled.
The
Lord Sheriff of the Burgh of South Tineside
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